The Jungle

Have you ever sat in a chair and looked through a ray of sunshine coming in one of the nearby windows? One can see all the dust particles that are in the air like they are gypsies in a musical.

Today I did something similar. I sat by a window and just watched life evolve in the back yard. The interesting part was that the sun was shining directly on the area closest to the house but the yard and house next door was in shadows. So what I was looking at stood out like the dust particles in the sunshine ray.

At first I watched a couple of large butterflies that were so happy to have found the spearmint patch in full blossom. They flitted from one purple top to another. Soon they were joined by a white moth.

As I sat and watched, there were hundreds of small dots of sunlit bugs of all kinds. Some buzzed around while other were just traveling through.

We have three raised beds of plants occupying the back yard that are four by eight feet long. The first one is half full of Melissa (Lemon Balm)but I also planted two tomato plants in there this year. I put four stakes near them to hold them up as they grow. I wrapped these stakes with cording. So far we have only eaten one tomato of the twelve that they have. The rest are all different sizes and in different stages of color.

The reason for this description is that a wren is sitting on the top of one of the stakes looking in at my window, telling me, "Don't forget to mention me out here in the sunshine." Sometimes he faces my window and natters so loudly that our cats take issue with it.

It is amazing the number of bugs that are out there enjoying whatever is in season and today it is the Spearmint. The Peppermint still has away to go before it will be in full blossom but soon it will be loaded with flowers too.

From my view point at the window, my back yard is as busy as it is in downtown Milwaukee on a week day. When the wind blows, leaves flutter down, birds fly through, but mostly it is the insect life that is so great.

The wren took off and is back on his post on the tomato stake but for once he is quiet. This is very unusual for him.

We have an oak tree in the front yard so from time to time we see squirrels in this area of the back yard. For many years, we haven't seen chipmunks but we do have them back with their striped coats this year. Years ago we had a lot of chipmunks and they liked to re-pot some of my flower pots on the patio. I kind'a missed them but I am happy to see them back again.

I sure hope this wren knows what it is doing while it preens itself on the post as a large dark bird just flew overhead.

We do have ravens in the area. One time I watched three ravens take on a mother rabbit. They were as big as she was and they put her in the center of their triangle. One would advance and she would go to fend off that advance when one of the others would move into steal one of her babies. She didn't have a chance. She lost all of her babies that year.

What is it that they say, "life is a jungle." We think that means in the office/work place or maybe in the wilderness or woods but the jungle is in our
backyards.

If we are really truthful, we will realize that the jungle is right here, inside of us too. We are always trying to find ways to survive, to do the right thing, to stay on top of life.

Enjoy what is in your life today.

My Many Personalities

Anyone reading this has met one of my many personalities. Maggie is the writer and she loves to write. When she was younger she used to write long handwritten letters. She then started writing letters on her typewriter.

Now she is writing her memories and some of her thoughts. I don't know if anyone else enjoys her stories but it keeps her busy and happy about her life in present time so I guess that is a very good thing. We all need to find what makes us happy and do it.

Today I will introduce you to another personality. Gertie and I have been very good friends for a long time. I have known her a lot longer than Maggie.

I first knew about Gertie when my daughter's boyfriend wanted to demonstrate a vacuum cleaner. I told him that I wasn't buying one but he said that he gets credit for every demo that he did, so I agreed.

He came over with this wonderful unit and vacuumed part of a room. Then he showed me just how much dirt that his machine took out of our rug. My comment was, "I give Gertie good equipment and she leaves that much dirt in my rug?" When he looked at me strangely, I said, "Gertie is the lady who cleans my house every week." And I said this with a very somber face. Later my daughter and her boyfriend left to go somewhere but when she got home, she was laughing and told me that her boyfriend wanted to know if I really had a cleaning lady come in once a week. She cleared it all up when she told him that I don't but that once a week Mom turns into the cleaning lady so she can be the lady of the house the rest of the time.

After that Gertie was a fixture in our house. I like her work because she is as fussy as I am but has to be reminded to clean the refrigerator from time to time.

Now let's talk about the personality that we refer to as Phyllis. She isn't what people think she is at all. She has so many insecurities and has had to push herself through all of them. Not to say that she is alone in this as everyone lives with some insecurity. When listening to what other people are having to adjust their lives to, she sometimes makes a wish to trade places. She isn't allowed to do that because this is the contract that she signed up for, FAMILY.

For the last 20 years it has been one problem after another. These are not little problems that can handle themselves.

In spite of all of these things, she pushed ahead each time having to rebuilding her personal life to the point where she could see the good in the world again. With the help of her friends and family, this part of her personality was able create a front that looked really good from the outside. No one could see the bleeding that was going on inside.

She did great through most of the things that were thrown at her. Well, She didn't do well when her oldest child went through some major problems in the '80s but she was able to be there and do what needed to be done. Then again when her youngest child went through major problems in '01, she had a few missing months in her life where she needed to pull the pieces back together.

She handled the care and death of her parents rather well from the viewpoint of most people. It was when her baby sister died that depression set in big-time.

From the outside, she looked normal but inside the walls, that were fragile to begin with, fell into ruin for a very long time. There are still places where they haven't been shored up enough to get through bad days.

If she were a nail, it would be all the way into the two by four by now. How much pounding can one person be expected to handle?

Sometime during the last depression, she lost contact with her daughter. Then her remaining sister had a stroke and she finally decided that she had to retreat into her own world. Hense the blog stories. www.maggiebrowneakaphyllisheitkamp.blogspot.com

Recently a couple of her friends have tried to talk her into publishing these stories. The idea sounds appealing but we will have to see about that. There are already storm clouds on the horizon so the publishing might have to wait until the next major situation is handled.

In any case, she is a survivor. Do you think that when metal is being heated and pounded into a sword, it doesn't feel anything or does it know that it is being made stronger to fight the battles ahead?

Grandchild

Do parents realize what a blessing it is for everyone when they share their children with their parents? The bond that is created between a grandchild and a grandparent is a wonderful thing.

I don't have grandchildren of my own but I have a step-grandchild that has always been a blessing in my life.
When Susie was four years old, her mother allowed her to spend a week with us in the summer. After that it got to be an annual thing. We looked forward to that week. We got to watch her grow up and listen to things that she was interested in and watch how she did things. I remember watching her pack her suitcase when she was about five and she packed like a little old lady. Everything was folded and put in just so. It was adorable.

Every year we had her stand by the closet door in the kitchen and we would mark how tall she had gotten in the last year.

It is the little things that are so important. She and I would exchange secrets and years later we would talk about them. She would parrot my words years later, "I couldn't go on certain rides because I didn't have my play shoes on."

Grandpa was always working so she and I would go to the beach where she could swim in Lake Michigan. She would collect rocks from the beach and bring them home. I would set up a painting area and whenever she wanted, she would go to that area and paint on her rocks.

One year she and I made some watercolor pictures. I had one framed that she made and sent it to her Mother for her Mother's birthday.

We made furniture for her doll house. She and I even got to ride Amtrak from where she lived to our town.

We would go shopping for school clothes. I don't think she really liked to trying on sweaters in July but she did it. One very hot summer, she really was unhappy about this event. She always went home with a bunch of new clothes of her choosing.

One of the things that was nice about having her at our house was that Susie didn't need to be entertained. We didn't have to be going all the time to fly a kite or ride a bike. (By the way, she didn't enjoy flying kites.) If I wanted to read a book, she would skate in the driveway or maybe paint or some other thing and I didn't have to suggest things to do. I see so many children that have to be entertained all the time. Will they grow up unable to be alone?

As she got older, she had more activities in the summer at home, like her job and ball games so we didn't get to see her as much but we did stay in touch. When she had an event; Basketball game, school play or when she was modeling, we would drive to it. She was good at modeling because in high school she was five foot ten inches tall. (Both of her parents are tall)

The last four years she has been in College and we e-mail each other. At first it was once a week and I knew that would settle down as she felt more comfortable away from home. It did. Then she got so busy, a job and tutoring after school that we only heard from her now and then.

Grandpa and I started something with her when she was very little. We called it the "Peanut Can." When we had change in our pockets or purses, we would put it in a peanut can and that was what she could spend when she was at our house for the week. Later when we didn't see her as often, we would take the "Peanut Can" and give it to her when we went up to her school. We told her it was the tip for being her.

Grandpa would ask her what she wanted for Christmas and she would usually get it. (Grandpa is a softy when it comes to Susan.) Maybe it would be a certain sports jacket or money to add to what she had for a trip etc. Susie was always polite enough to thank us for whatever she got.

She has moved on to her first "real" job in Colorado, so we probably won't see her that much but there is still the e-mail. She has turned out to be a very loving/responsible adult.

I feel sorry for Grandparent who have never had this opportunity to bond with one or more of their grandchildren. It is a wonderful feeling and wonderful experience for everyone.

Mowing

Today is the Fourth of July, the day that we celebrate our Independence. So what will you be doing? Will you be golfing? Will you be at a parade? Will you have friends and family over for a cook out?

Vern has chosen to mow the lawn. We all do what is fun for us and for him, mowing is a joy. Where does that come from? As long as I have been with him, mowing is his fun perhaps even his meditation time/space.

Yes, he goes golfing and comes home tired and hurting but with mowing, he comes in feeling great. I guess when the yard looks just the way he wants it to, he is proud.

When he comes home from golfing, there isn't any pride. Sure he had friends that he got to talk with but somehow it doesn't hit the mark like mowing does.
What is it about mowing that is so great? Maybe it is the feeling that he gets riding on his lawnmower? Maybe it is a feeling that he is "king" of his land? Maybe it is the feeling he gets because he is not just sitting around but making something look great? Maybe it is the fact that he has the freedom to do anything so he decides to do this? Maybe in his mind he has allocated all the rest of the week to other things and he is trying to fit this in?

I wonder what the people around here think as they are home from work today for a holiday and can sleep in or just do the nothing that they have been looking forward too? Or are even trying to sit and talk with their friends?

Last night we sat out on the front porch and watched it rain. A rain that we really needed. He mentioned that we really live in a very quiet neighborhood. It was late in the day and I mentioned that it is nice this time of the day. Usually there is someone pounding on a new roof or cutting their lawn or replacing
something. Looking around, he kind'a laughed at me and said, "Well, there aren't any new roofs going on around here." I mentioned that sound really carries in this little village. We can hear the music from the park six blocks away. So during the daytime we can hear a roof going on from the top of the hill. Later as we sat there, we could hear a lot of cars and I asked him if he thought that was the traffic on Mequon Road (12 blocks away).

If you went out there right now while he is mowing and asked him how he felt about what he is doing, first he wouldn't want to talk about his feelings but then you would see that he is comfortable somewhere in his world.

When this marriage was young, I thought I would help him by having the boys mow near the end of the week so Vern would have his weekends free. It wasn't long and the boys came to me with a situation. It seems that even if they mow on Thursday after school, Vern mowed again on Saturday. So I told the boys that from now on we would allow him to do the mowing.

He loves to ride on his mower. At times it has become a bit of a problem because he is in his own world and trees have a way of hanging over his work. It was then that the gardens under the trees became enlarged to accommodate this situation.

When I was on the board at Wellspring, an organic farm, Bed and Breakfast and training center in Newberg, there was a lot of mowing that needed to be done. I suggested that maybe Vern would like to volunteer his talent but after doing it for one summer on a weekly basis, he wasn't having fun. I guess it is just his kingdom that he enjoys cutting.

While taking the UW County Extension's gardening classes, I learned that grass should be allowed to grow 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 inches tall. This allows the roots to stay shaded and weeds do not germinate as well in taller grass. Also "never remove more than 1/3 of the leaf tissue at any one mowing." (Information from Bulletin #A3435) So of course you know what I did? I would go out and set his blade higher. The next time he would cut, he would lower it and I would reset it between cuttings. Vern has this idea that if it can wave in the wind, it needs to be cut off. I have finally given up. He can mow three times a week if it makes him happy.

He has agreed with me about not putting chemicals on our lawn. From time to time he isn't happy about this as we do have a lot of weeds because of the short grass. I started a one-year contract with him in the early 90s. Then we would renew it every year. Now I don't do that either. When he put fertilizer on the lawn this year, I would guess that it was a weed and feed just by the results that he was getting.

I am getting too old to try to win any of these. Who cares anyway? If we get Dioxin from the weed and feed and loose a liver or anything…who cares? It will be five years before I can use the dandelions in my yard for wine now. Maybe some of these things just aren't as important as they used to be in my life. I don't like it but…. There are a lot of things that I don't care for. (How about cell phone micro-wave transmissions?)

All of my neighbors have three or more applications of weed and feed put on their yard annually. How do I know this? I am registered with the State of Wisconsin regarding chemical lawn applications. There is a paper that I file every February listing all the properties around me that I wish to be notified if they are going to have chemicals put on them. So I get a phone call the day before the application from the lawn care companies.

When plant roots can get fed within the top two inches of the ground, they sure don't need to dig into the planet very far. I have always wondered about this feeding. When someone walks through your whole property within a matter of minutes with liquid food, does that stuff even get as far as the ground or just feed the leafy matter?

I guess will just continue to watch Vern having the pleasure that he has with his property and I will relax. Life is too short to be the only one to care about the planet.

My Belief System

We all have them, choices that is. We get to choose what we want for breakfast or how late we want to stay up at night. We can choose what books we wish to read and in this country, we even get to choose what we wish to believe in. Isn't that a wonderful thought? We don't have to agree with anyone as long as we aren't violating any public rules.

If my memory serves me, the Pilgrims came here so that they could worship the way that they wanted. This is what America was founded on. The fact that all religions are the same in the eyes of my GOD, is my belief and to have someone point out to me that only this religion or that religion is the right one, seems to violate my senses.

I can't imagine a GOD who wouldn't be proud of the Hindu who honors his Gods, loves his neighbors and takes very good care of his extended family.

My God is so large that he doesn't fit into any of the standard forms that are out there at this time. He encompasses everything. He doesn't have arms and legs but I was still created in his image. I might just be a fractal of God (Quantum). This thought was brought to me by Paul Eno in his book TURNING HOME. Isn't this exciting stuff?

When I was very little, I knew that I lived in here. I got to look out of the windows (eyes) and had to make sure the plumbing worked and the roof was neat. Don't forget to clean up the siding as much as possible. Even then I knew that I wasn't the house that I lived in.

This story is being written because of an e-mail that I got today. I sent this person a wonderful picture show of how great this beautiful world is and how lucky we are to live here. In return she wanted to tell me that it is only great if I believe the way they do. That is such a small box to put my great GOD into!

Yesterday I listened to Paul Eno on a CD. He studied to become a priest and then never took his vows. He explained that the English version of our Bible has been altered from the original Greek but most people swear by what they are reading in the present translation. One of his examples was: Matthew 22:39 "Love your neighbor as yourself." He said that the Greek says, " agapesis ton plaision sou os seauton: Love your neighbor because he is yourself." Which goes back to what the Devas have always told me, "We are all one."

Eno was hesitant to get into all of this but he did say that the Hell that most people talk about is very different than what the Greek spoke of. They talk about GOD being an all consuming fire, which is a lot different than Dante's fire and brim stone - Hell. I just found out there is a test on the internet that one can take to "find out what area of Dante's Infernal, you will be spending your eternity. (Guess you can find anything on the internet. Is that a pick "your box" kind of game?)

We have so much to learn and instead of researching it ourselves we rely on what other people have told us down through the ages. I really liked Paul Eno because he did the research. He studied the original Greek text. He intended to fit into the box but he too, found the current rules too confining. That doesn't mean that he doesn't believe in what is written but just not what you and I have read.

I guess when someone asks me what my religion is, I am not sure. There have been so many Christed ones over the years. (A Nun once told me, "Christ wasn't his last name, it was the station that he attained." She told me that it is the level that we are all trying to attain.)

There is so much to learn, no wonder we keep coming back again and again trying to get it right. Buddhists and Hindus talk about "getting off the wheel" so we don't have to come back again. Why would a great portion of the people on this planet believe in something that is so similar? And their religions are much older than the current major religion in our country.

When I hear about the fact that most people I know believe in a three-headed God I think, "That is what is right for them." Or how about the Hindu God, Vishnu with all her arms. It is OK for them. I do not have to conform to someone else's idea. The person that sent me the e-mail is so sure that I am lost but truly, I feel found. I am comforted in the knowledge that my God is so wonderful that he created me just the way I am.

Those of you who have been reading about my unordinary life in my first blog, (www.maggiebrowneakaphyllisheitkamp.blogspot.com ) will understand why I would never fit into any of the boxes that are presently available. My God is so much bigger than the religions that are around me today.

I feel that we are only a visitors on this planet for a small amount of time. When we leave here there are worlds for us to explore.

So what religion does that make me?

Truth

People are always telling me that they want to hear the truth but when they do, they don't really want it. On the other hand, telling someone what your truth is could be very different from what their truth is. We all look at things from a different perspective.

When I first moved to Wisconsin, Loren invited two single-male teachers out to our house at the lake for an enchilada dinner. (Because we couldn't get enchiladas in Wisconsin at that time, I had to learn how to make them along with refried beans. It was one of our favorite meals.) The two gentlemen were practice teaching at the local high school.

While we were eating, I heard both of them talking about not going into teaching after this year was over. Thinking it was because of the students, I asked them what they were going to do and they both had plans. Why were two really creative teachers not going to continue teaching? They told me that they were not allowed to teach the way that they wanted to. One young man said that his supervising teacher didn't like anything that he did. As an example, he asked the students to stand up by their desks to view something. Then he had them kneel down next to their desk to view the same thing. He said that he was trying to teach the truth about perspective but his supervisor came down on him royally. Here was a loss for the school systems because these two guys would have brought fun and interest and mystery and truth to classrooms of the future.

Truth, isn't something that is really wanted. How about "saying something nice to others?" Now here is one that can really get you into trouble. "That dress makes you look_______." (Fill in the blank.) Are you going to mention that the color is right or that it makes her look fat? Just how are you going to get around the truth?

We all have our secrets. Some of us have more than others. For instance, my husband cannot keep a secret. If I don't want the whole world to know something, I either tell him not to say anything or I make sure that he doesn't knows about it. "The fudge is NOT for the party."

Growing up in my family, we were always supposed to tell the truth. Sometimes that meant taking the punishment for what had happened, but I learned that the truth can get you into real trouble.

When I was in fifth and sixth grade we had a wonderful teacher. Everyone in our class just loved her. She got married and then became pregnant and had to quit in the middle of our sixth year. So our class got a substitute teacher for the rest of the year.

When I think back, I am not sure just why none of the kids liked her, but it was very obvious that they didn't. They wouldn't do anything that she said. The class got out of control a lot and she would cry when this happened. So every day she would ask one student to stand up and tell her why the kids wouldn't mind her. Everyone said that they didn't know. About four weeks into this, it was my turn.

Now up until this time, I had a very good relationship with my classmates. We would go to birthday parties at each other's houses and I even went over to their houses after school. But "My turn" changed all of that.

When I stood up there and she asked me why the kids wouldn't mind her, I said that it was because they didn't like her.

If they could have sent bolts of lighten to killed me at that time, I wouldn't be writing this.

Only one person in that room would play with me at recess. The two of us would talk about all sorts of things…That is until Valentine's Day was coming. Then the class asked the teacher if she would leave the room so that they could have a meeting and they asked my friend and me to leave too. We knew that they were planning to give our teacher a Valentine's Day present. It was a way of proving that what I said was not the truth. (I guess in a way, I united this class even if I became the target.) So my friend and I decided to make something for the teacher ourselves. We both knew how to crochet so we made look-alike doilies. We did a rather nice job at it too but after that project together, my friend didn't want to be left out anymore. (I couldn't really blame her. In high school she went on to became one of the top cheerleaders.)

It was a lonely spring. I remember playing on the playground with some marbles all by myself. When the snow started to melt, I made creeks of water in the cracks of the snow. I would stand by the building sometimes and watch everyone playing. Those three months until summer vacation were very long.

It was the beginning of learning that I was different. Learning that I could survive alone. Learning that people really don't want to know the truth.

As luck would have it, in Seventh grade all the country school seventh graders were bused to town and we had a lot of new people that didn't know that I was the one that had spoken out to our substitute teacher.

I am sure that this was in my school record because I had a lot of teachers in seventh grade that were very nice to me.

One of them asked if I would like to come down to the science room twice a week during study hall and water the plants there. I liked doing that. It gave me a chance to be by myself, without anyone else around. Maybe I was getting used to being with just me? (Perhaps it was that beginning of my love of plants. I did taste the drops that Impatiens create on the ends of their leaves. It is sugar sweet.)

In English class we took a test and I got the highest grade on the Dewey Decimal System so I got to work in the library putting books back in their places. Both of these took me out of the routine that everyone else had.

It is funny how one thing can change things for a very long time. Even getting to know a lot of new kids, I still never felt good enough after that. That feeling lasted for a very long time. If you have read the story about my teen years you know that in one sense, I never got over that set back until I graduated from High School. Even now at the reunions, I really don't know those people. I had very little in common with them then and now. I found out that I do like to be by myself and I do feel good about me.

It isn't just the people I went to school with, it is everyone who professes to want the truth but in reality, they don't.

Take a court of law, how much truth is allowed to be expressed? The jury is asked to make a decision based on only what is expressed and then they don't get the whole truth. It is based on how and what questions are asked? Don't tell us all about it, just answer Yes or No. We don't really want to know what happened.

Truth is very interesting. It is molded and stretched and colored to fit the occasion. I am very careful to give facts today. My students expect me to tell them the truth and I do but I make sure of my facts when I do this. I still have a hard time being social but I work at it. Most of the time I still find myself standing alone even in a crowd being the observer.

I remember thinking that having a mate or partner would change that feeling but most of what I have done, has been alone. I wish to make exception of what I have just said, because my sisters have been there for me more than anyone else in the world. They have accepted all my insecurities and oddities. I guess that is my truth.