Listening

What is a best friend? Or even just a good friend? I think I have figured this out. It isn't someone who comes in and fights all your battles but one who comes in and understands how you are feeling about the battle.

For the last 6 months I have been planning my 70th birthday party. I wanted to have a group of my girlfriends over for an afternoon Chocolate party. It sounded so decedent. I made a list of the friends that I enjoy being around the most and sent them invitations.

Then one of these friends that I have known for a very long time called to tell me that she was going to bring an uninvited guest, they would be coming an hour early and she was bringing a party game.

When I hung up I was upset because this wasn't in my plans. I had name tags made out for all of the guests that I had invited. I had a party game that I had worked on for a while, months and although I always expect people to arrive early, this was a lot early. I found myself nattering about this for the good part of the day.

I called a good friend only to hear that I should roll with it. Why? Why should I change my plans of 6 months to accommodate this other friend of mine? My good friend didn't really listen to how upset I was or how this was effecting me, she only wanted to "do the right thing." Isn't that nice? Some people are so sweet they don't need to be invited to a chocolate party. Did I ask for advice? NO. Even my husband wanted to solve this for me by telling me that this person was just trying to help. SO???

Then I called a lady that I have been sharing feelings with for a while, Marie. We write back and forth on the internet and call each other from time to time on the phone. Why do we do this? Why does she call Me? Because unless you ask me to help and give you advice, I won't. I don't give advice because most people don't want advice, they really just want to be heard and that is what I was looking for. I didn't want advice and most of the time neither does Marie, we just want someone to understand how we are feeling about an issue.

My sister's and I learned a long time ago that we didn't give each other advice. We are thinking people that would like to be heard. Do people think that they need to tell us what is right or wrong because we can't think for ourselves? Or do they think that we don't know the difference?

My internet friend could hear my upset and hurt. She said, "The lady sounds like she has control issues?" I told my internet friend that I don't think that she does. I believe that the controlling friend is afraid of coming to my party alone. She doesn't want to be embarrassed by my game so she wants to bring one that she knows all about. She is a very insecure person. I understood the problem but that didn't make me any less hurt and this internet friend understood this.

I made the decision to call the "controlling friend" and talk this out. This is my year of change and it means to stand up for me. Not to allow others to take over. I called and told my friend that I couldn't have her bring a person that I don't know to my party. If she needs to be picked up, my husband would be happy to do that. (He had already volunteered this as part of his solution to my problem.) I explained that I think I understand a little about what is happening in her world but to correct me if I get it wrong. She was afraid that my game would embarrass her and make her look dumb. I explained how the game is played and she felt better. Then I told her that coming an hour early would only run into my getting our lunch dishes cleaned up and put away. I told her that Vern loves to display things like cakes and candies so that if she came early, it would take away from his part. She said that she understood but I think it took her a while to process this because the next day she called to say that she was sorry that she had upset my plans. We talked and could see both sides of this story.

It isn't my intention to have to always have my own way….OK, maybe it is but I really like having friends who know that I have the ability to see both sides and will do the right thing if they allow me to have my own feelings about it. My feelings are all mine. I own them and if I don't like what I am feeling, then I have to do something about it.

It hurt a lot to have my other friend and my husband think that they had to solve this problem. It is like saying, "You aren't smart enough to do this without our input. We know right from wrong better than you do."
Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone else is just, listen.

This is the best thing that I learned while training on the Crisis Hot-Line. People around us treat us like we are stupid so by calling a hot-line where people are trained in reflective listening, you get to hear what you are saying and can make the necessary adjustments to your program.

Now that could become a problem and since I have left the hot line, I find that very few people know how to communicate. Communication is a two way street. The Hot-Line communicate is very different.

The other problem is that most people don't want to talk about feelings. If I ask my husband how he feels about something, he looks at me like I am nuts. If I ask him what he thinks about something, I get all sorts of information. Why is it hard to allow one to find out about your feelings?

When my children were younger, Kathy would call and tell me that this was a "COPE" (crisis hot-line) call. That meant, don't tell me what to do, just listen to me but we want to share so this kind'a fell by the wayside over the years.

We need people to share their ideas but there are also times when we need to be heard. How do we know the difference? If there is a problem that seems more serious then it needs listening, reflect the problem and listen. If it is just sharing what you have been doing, that is ordinary conversation.

Is it possible that most people can't tell the difference? Or is it that my life is just one big problem? One question leads to many others.

Take time to listen to someone today.